Jokes Thread.....

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Jokes Thread..... 02/05/2016 at 23:00 #82112
DaveHarries
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Evening all,

Thought I would start a jokes thread for the entertainment of members. First off, and rather topical for footy fans:

I hope nobody on here has been travelling around North London by train this evening (Monday 2nd): I hear there has been a failure of no. 74 points at Tottenham..... :P

Dave

Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 09:45 by DaveHarries
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The following users said thank you: WinsfordSaltMine, Stanyon, --miki--
Jokes Thread..... 03/05/2016 at 19:40 #82126
LMK
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133 posts
User1: Host, would you mind just connecting to yourself quickly?

Host: Why, are you getting disconnected?

User1: No no, just try to connect to yourself!

Host: Why, are you getting rejected?

User1: No, just try to connect to yourself!

Host: You are getting on my nerves! Grow up!

User1: No need for that mate, just connect to yourself and I'll tell you what the problem is.

Host: What, is my I.P wrong or something?

User1: JUST DO IT!!!

Host: Maybe I haven't set up my port forwarding..

User1: Just connect to yourself, but copy and paste the I.P address that's in your session details.

Host: Ok, ok, ok...Where is the I.P address?

User1: EXACTLY!


I tried...

Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 19:41 by LMK
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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 00:48 #82131
320322
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An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level.

Passenger to Staff - How long's the next train to Dalmuir

Staff to Passenger - 6 coaches


I know, groan!!!

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:23 #82134
jc92
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2760 posts
Once when riding on the Scarborough Spa behind a Black five, we arrived at Wakefield Kirkgate and a couple of teenage girls came up to me abd asked if it was the train to Castleford!

Naturally I just said yes because I'm a horrible person

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:35 #82135
kbarber
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Warning: this story is APOCRYPHAL.

Way back when you could open carriage doors for yourself, a train was arriving at Fenchurch Street. As they did so often in those days, a passenger was in a hurry to alight. Unfortunately he stepped on to the platform just a little too early.

Imagine the scene. Like something out of a cartoon, legs going like pistons, he careers along the platform totally out of control, until he meets a solid object - a chocolate machine chained to the railings round the subway staircase. Again just like a cartoon, he hits it full on and falls flat on his back. Glass, blood and chocolate bars everywhere...

The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?). Looking down at the unfortunate, in best G&S policeman voice, he said the only thing possible under the circumstances:

"We like chocolate, do we sir?"

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:55 #82136
postal
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" said:
An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level.

Passenger to Staff - How long's the next train to Dalmuir

Staff to Passenger - 6 coaches


I know, groan!!!
When I was a callow youth, conducting buses in Newcastle I used to give a similar answer when the bus was full so that people at the stop couldn't get on ("33 feet same as this one"). I stopped doing it after the comment was met with a response from the pavement "Will it have a ****-house on the back, just like this one"

(Mods - please excuse the **** and modestly hidden bad language).

"No question is too stupid, there are just some stupid answers" - Dr. Michael Reece, 12/08/1927 - 03/06/2019. Electrical engineer and inventor
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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 12:46 #82141
clive
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2014 posts
" said:
The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?).
It's a special kind of walk. Terry Pratchett explains it in one of his books.

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 15:49 #82142
clive
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2014 posts
Of course, it's Jedi day today.


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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 19:22 #82145
pedroathome
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581 posts
Online
" said:
Of course, it's Jedi day today.

Is that the road or rail bridge?

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Jokes Thread..... 06/05/2016 at 19:00 #82185
Forest Pines
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515 posts
When a signalman uploads a railway video to Youtube, they send 2 bells.
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 14:09 #93170
MarkC
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Brain Teaser


Post has attachments. Log in to view them.
It's not my fault! I was left unsupervised.
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 17:15 #93171
GW43125
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mark265 in post 93170 said:
Brain Teaser

That man is a bloody joke. Period.

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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 18:00 #93173
Peter Bennet
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4662 posts
Reality is fake satire.
[From Newsbiscuit]

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:00 #93175
Steamer
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3065 posts
The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

(Douglas Adams)

"Don't stress/ relax/ let life roll off your backs./ Except for death and paying taxes/ everything in life.../ is only for now." (Avenue Q)
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:42 #93177
Peter Bennet
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4662 posts
Reality's a dream
[Buzzcocks - I don't mind]

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Jokes Thread..... 18/02/2017 at 12:36 #93184
Peter Bennet
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Brilliant!
https://twitter.com/Grinds_MyGears1/status/832618387339517953

Peter

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 02:43 #106032
khouji
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Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

Check out this really funny jokes: http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz57fyeDWqr

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Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 02:44 #106033
khouji
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10 posts
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

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Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 19:42 #106043
GW43125
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khouji in post 106032 said:
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"
Chemistry. Where questions like "where do you keep your TNT?" are no longer suspicious.

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Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 20:15 #106045
jc92
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2760 posts
Whats the different between the USA and yoghurt?

Leave the yoghurt 300 years and itll develop a decent culture....

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Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 21:25 #106047
rfw
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51 posts
Tonbridge this is Tonbridge.
The train now standing on platform one should be on the rails.

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Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:48 #106049
khouji
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10 posts
Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce?
A: A hundred grand, or more.

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Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:49 #106050
khouji
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10 posts
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

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Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:53 #106051
khouji
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10 posts
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

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