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Jokes Thread..... 02/05/2016 at 23:00 #82112
DaveHarries
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Evening all,

Thought I would start a jokes thread for the entertainment of members. First off, and rather topical for footy fans:

I hope nobody on here has been travelling around North London by train this evening (Monday 2nd): I hear there has been a failure of no. 74 points at Tottenham..... :P

Dave

Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 09:45 by DaveHarries
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The following users said thank you: WinsfordSaltMine, Stanyon, --miki--
Jokes Thread..... 03/05/2016 at 19:40 #82126
TheBVE2010
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User1: Host, would you mind just connecting to yourself quickly?

Host: Why, are you getting disconnected?

User1: No no, just try to connect to yourself!

Host: Why, are you getting rejected?

User1: No, just try to connect to yourself!

Host: You are getting on my nerves! Grow up!

User1: No need for that mate, just connect to yourself and I'll tell you what the problem is.

Host: What, is my I.P wrong or something?

User1: JUST DO IT!!!

Host: Maybe I haven't set up my port forwarding..

User1: Just connect to yourself, but copy and paste the I.P address that's in your session details.

Host: Ok, ok, ok...Where is the I.P address?

User1: EXACTLY!


I tried...

Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 19:41 by TheBVE2010
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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 00:48 #82131
320322
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An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level.

Passenger to Staff - How long's the next train to Dalmuir

Staff to Passenger - 6 coaches


I know, groan!!!

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:23 #82134
jc92
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2141 posts
Once when riding on the Scarborough Spa behind a Black five, we arrived at Wakefield Kirkgate and a couple of teenage girls came up to me abd asked if it was the train to Castleford!

Naturally I just said yes because I'm a horrible person

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:35 #82135
kbarber
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Warning: this story is APOCRYPHAL.

Way back when you could open carriage doors for yourself, a train was arriving at Fenchurch Street. As they did so often in those days, a passenger was in a hurry to alight. Unfortunately he stepped on to the platform just a little too early.

Imagine the scene. Like something out of a cartoon, legs going like pistons, he careers along the platform totally out of control, until he meets a solid object - a chocolate machine chained to the railings round the subway staircase. Again just like a cartoon, he hits it full on and falls flat on his back. Glass, blood and chocolate bars everywhere...

The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?). Looking down at the unfortunate, in best G&S policeman voice, he said the only thing possible under the circumstances:

"We like chocolate, do we sir?"

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:55 #82136
postal
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" said:
An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level.

Passenger to Staff - How long's the next train to Dalmuir

Staff to Passenger - 6 coaches


I know, groan!!!
When I was a callow youth, conducting buses in Newcastle I used to give a similar answer when the bus was full so that people at the stop couldn't get on ("33 feet same as this one"). I stopped doing it after the comment was met with a response from the pavement "Will it have a ****-house on the back, just like this one"

(Mods - please excuse the **** and modestly hidden bad language).

"If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done." - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) English actor & author
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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 12:46 #82141
clive
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" said:
The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?).
It's a special kind of walk. Terry Pratchett explains it in one of his books.

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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 15:49 #82142
clive
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Of course, it's Jedi day today.


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Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 19:22 #82145
pedroathome
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" said:
Of course, it's Jedi day today.

Is that the road or rail bridge?

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Jokes Thread..... 06/05/2016 at 19:00 #82185
Forest Pines
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When a signalman uploads a railway video to Youtube, they send 2 bells.
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 14:09 #93170
mark265
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Brain Teaser


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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 17:15 #93171
GW43125
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mark265 in post 93170 said:
Brain Teaser

That man is a bloody joke. Period.

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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 18:00 #93173
Peter Bennet
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4104 posts
Reality is fake satire.
[From Newsbiscuit]

Who fact checks the fact checkers?
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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:00 #93175
Steamer
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2246 posts
The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

(Douglas Adams)

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Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:42 #93177
Peter Bennet
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4104 posts
Reality's a dream
[Buzzcocks - I don't mind]

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Jokes Thread..... 18/02/2017 at 12:36 #93184
Peter Bennet
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Brilliant!
https://twitter.com/Grinds_MyGears1/status/832618387339517953

Peter

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