A Business Opportunity

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A Business Opportunity 03/11/2009 at 11:26 #187
Chrisrail
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377 posts
A real letter ......make sure you are not drinking anything when you read this....you could choke...laughing


NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT


Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for ?3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was ?1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get ?3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get ?6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about ?240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about ?2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

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A Business Opportunity 03/11/2009 at 11:26 #3859
Chrisrail
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377 posts
A real letter ......make sure you are not drinking anything when you read this....you could choke...laughing


NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT


Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for ?3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was ?1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get ?3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get ?6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about ?240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about ?2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

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A Business Opportunity 07/11/2009 at 20:57 #3918
Jan
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830 posts
I'm rereading the Yes (Prime) Minister diaries at the moment, and I could easily imagine Sir Humphrey being involved there.

I'm too lazy to look it up now, but I think somewhere in Yes Minister there was a scene where Hacker gets to know two EEC employees:
The German one is paid to increase food production, with the resulting surplus being used in a food "war" with the USA, while his French pedant is responsible for destroying surplus food.

Two million people attempt to use Birmingham's magnificent rail network every year, with just over a million of them managing to get further than Smethwick.
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A Business Opportunity 09/11/2009 at 10:13 #3946
kbarber
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1628 posts
Jan said:
The German one is paid to increase food production, with the resulting surplus being used in a food "war" with the USA, while his French pedant is responsible for destroying surplus food.
Indeed. And IIRC the Commissioner is most upset when Hacker says that they are in next door offices: "...they are not in the same corridor... they are not even on the same floor!"

Classic stuff. Sir Humphrey has to be one of the great comic creations. And still explains virtually everything that happens in this country.

(As for the one when they appointed the bishop (who loved steam trains, just to stay somewhere near the topic)... that is a dead accurate description of the church.)

Oh, and why can't I get the quote to end with the /quote command?????

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A Business Opportunity 09/11/2009 at 10:14 #3947
kbarber
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1628 posts
kbarber said:
Oh, and why can't I get the quote to end with the /quote command?????

Except it did when I submitted, just not in the preview. Oh well.

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A Business Opportunity 09/11/2009 at 10:41 #3948
Peter Bennet
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5170 posts
I found most of the episodes seem to be on YouTube but I could not find the one referred to above- but I did find the "Euro-Sausage" episode. The sad thing about it is (as a Civil Servant in Whitehall) it's truer than you might want to believe. Can't really say much more......unfortunately.

Peter

I identify as half man half biscuit - crumbs!
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